In Which I Talk About Depression

Content notice: Depression, self-harm, suicide, abuse.

Irrelevant as it may seem, depression is a topic that has floated around the video game circles I lurk in for a while now, but never broken the surface for long. I don’t have anything half as beautiful as Jenn Frank’s piece on death, but there is a lot I could say about my own experiences. So:


Depression is Shit and I Hate it.

I may live on until
I long for this time
In which I am so unhappy,
And remember it fondly.

—Fujiwara No Kiyosuke, I May Live On
Translated by Kenneth Rexroth

I was 19 the first time someone said “I love you”. I didn’t ask “what about your husband?”; I asked “why?”.

It wasn’t some vain attempt to fish for compliments. I honestly couldn’t get my head around the concept. She’d spent weeks being nice to me, even in front of other people, and until we kissed I had honestly assumed she was taking the piss.

It was that bad once.

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Doo De Doo Doo Doo, say office tossers

Doo de doo doo doo, according to office tossers around the country today.

“La da dah dah dah, dah dee do dah dah dah do” said Marcus Dylan, an administrative twat from Staines, echoing similar calls across the country. The message comes at a time when other assistant halfwits are saying “hmm hmm hmmm hm hmmmm hm, hmmmm hm hmmm hm hmmmmm, baba bah bah bahdapbah”, despite widespread warnings of the dangers of excessive bellendery.

Regional pisswick Paul Hampton agreed. “La la lalalala, la da la la laa”, he explained, adding a series of sharp, tuneless exhalations, as his general inanity was echoed by designated office arseholes everywhere.

Ordinary grown up humans declined to comment.

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British Insomniacs demand New Auschwitz

Insomniacs across Britain are uniting under calls for an Auschwitz-style camp for immigrants following controversial remarks by UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

The remarks took place during a live interview for LBC, throughout which millions of dogs were inexplicably howling, and described Farage’s apparent suspicion of Romanian immigrants. He went on to invite LBC’s James O’Brien to “come and meet UKIP’s black and ethnic candidate”, who senior party sources reports is nicknamed “Darky. It’s not a racist thing, we’ve just noticed he has much darker skin than any of us”. Farage today issued an open letter apologising for the remarks, which he attributed to being a bit sleepy.

Critics have called the apology “pathetic”, “ridiculous”, and even “wait did he really try to prove he’s not racist by saying the Metropolitan Police agree with him?” But today millions of chronically sleep-deprived individuals stood up to support Farage, and express their lack of culpability for holding phenomenally racist views.

Chronic insomniac Jan Davis said, “Whenever I have a sleepness night, I inevitably start to view all foreigners with the kind of deep distrust most healthy people associate with estate agents. It’s only natural, and rather than address that we’d rather pursue political campaigns against millions of innocent people. We’re not asking for much, just the wholesale genocide of anyone who wasn’t born in Britain.

“Except the Germans, obviously. That’s different. And not just because my family is German, or anything.”

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Gears of War: The Motion Picture

I so do not have time for writing new things right now, and won’t for the forseeable future. But I do have silly things I did years ago, and I have calculated that they are marginally better than nothing. So. A throwaway thing I might develop if I ever have any time in the world to myself ever.


From the secret files of Epic Games, Lonely Mushroom presents:

‘Gears of War: The Motion Picture’ ORIGINAL SCRIPT

GEARS OF WAR 1.0.1: CHAINS OF FREEDOM FIGHT SAGA

Ext. GREY BUILDING #1.

GORILLA-MEN posture, swear at, and question the masculinity of each other, passers by, inanimate objects, the sky, etc. Suddenly, MONSTERS!

MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-MEN

RAAAAAAARGH!

GORILLA-MEN shoot all the MONSTERS, then enter GREY BUILDING #2

GORILLA-MAN 1

Fuck you what the fuck. Locust!

GORILLA-MAN 2

GODDAMMIT.

MORE MONSTERS arrive.

MORE MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-MEN

FUCKING RAAAAAAAARGH!

GORILLA-MEN shoot all the MORE MONSTERS, proceed to GREY BUILDING #3

repeat until GORILLA-MEN reach GREY BUILDING #19

EXT. GREY BUILDING #19

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say go here. Men have ouchie. Radio say help!

GORILLA-MAN 1

GODDAMMIT FUCK.

GORILLA-MEN go to GREY BUILDING #33 via every other GREY BUILDING, killing attacking MONSTERS

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say men next room. Radio say help!

GORILLA-MEN enter GREY HALL #12. We see GORILLA-NEGRO. He is shooting EVEN MORE MONSTERS

EVEN MORE MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-NEGRO

DAYUM SHEEEIIT MUTHAFUCKA HEYULL YEYAH.

GORILLA-NEGRO shoots all of the EVEN MORE MONSTERS

GORILLA-MEN

SHIT GODDAMN LOCUST FUCK YOU, ETC.

Repeat GORILLA-MEN V. MONSTERS in GREY BUILDING x + 1 until...

INT. GREY BUILDING 273

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say MONSTE-

GORILLA-MAN 4

GODDAMMIT.

(Beat)

GORILLA-MAN 2

... Radio say MONSTERS in NEST. Say go now.

GORILLA-MEN go to NEST. MONSTERS (R) appear, and are shot, chainsawed, sexually assaulted, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 4

Need Bomb Ex Machina. No have. Sad.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Sad.

GORILLA-MAN 1

Sad.

GORILLA-NEGRO

AW HEYULL NO.

GORILLA-MAN 5

GODDAMMIT.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Thought you dead.

GORILLA-MAN 5

Oh. Um....

(exit)

GORILLA-MAN 1

My dad have Bomb Ex Machina. For some reason.

GORILLA-MAN 2

WE GO GORILLA-DAD MANSION.

GORILLA-MEN go to GREY GORILLA-DAD MANSION. Monsters, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 4

Go nest again now!

NEST, MONSTERS, etc, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Use bomb now.

They USE the BOMB

GORILLA-MAN 4

GODDAMMIT.

GORILLA-NEGRO

SHEEEIT MUTHAFUCKA.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Kiss me!

GORILLA-MAN 1

All monster dead now.

TITLES: “Or is it?”

(Credits)

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