Ymelda 24 – The Dork Tower

New day! Hunting! Foraging! Killin’ wolves and pickin’ grapes.

There really is no way to document this morning in detail that isn’t dull, so I won’t. We head South, then cross a river and double back to look in on another watermill I saw on the other side. I don’t know what is going on with Nords and mills around here. Do they have a grudge against nature, or what? It’s a wonder there are any trees left standing.

After much careful study, I can give an exhaustive description of this particular mill: It’s a mill. The owner is a Nord woman who complains that her workers all ran off to join the war, but frankly that’s probably for the best. A nation cannot live on lumber alone. She offers me money for chopping wood, but I want to keep moving, and moreover, I can’t find an axe. It’s while looking for one inside the abandoned bunkhouse that I encounter a shady figure.

With fingers resting nervously on my sword – the whole scene is just too unexpected to relax – I get talking to the kid, and check this out:

Oh HELL yes! Kid, prepare to witness the hide and seek CHAMPION in action. You have room for another player, right?

Awww, damn it. Morrigan and I get chatting, and you know what? I’m not going to spoil this one. Talking to these two is by far the most enjoyable interaction with some NPCs I’ve had in Skyrim to date. I will say though that Griffith is remarkably cool about her openly talking about him while he’s right there. He just sits there, wordlessly drinking from a flagon while Morrigan and I natter away about him. Of course, he might also just be completely mullered on ale, but who am I to judge?

Once the conversation’s over though, it’s time to move on. There’s nothing for me here, and I want to get as far away from crappy old Windhelm as possible. And here is where so the usually stellar Fraps did that thing where it arbitrarily stops recording anything without warning, and the result is that I have no footage of most of today. It’s not something I can really recreate either, however I do happen to have access to the original script.

EXT. SKYRIM – DAY

YMELDA is traversing a road South of Windhelm, near a river and tower.

DOG

I’m a dog! I’m a dog! I’m a dog! I’m a dog! I’m a dog! I’m a dog!

YMELDA

SHUT UP!

DOG

I’m a dog!

YMELDA

Alright, alright, I’ll leave you alone! Jesus. I just wanted to know if you’re guarding this suspicious tower, but clearly not, so I’ma sneak around and see what it is.

YMELDA creeps around the suspicious tower, eventually finds a hole in the wall

YMELDA

Score! Looks like someone’s lurking, but they haven’t seen –

MAGE #1

YO, this is private property, mofo. Don’t make me fry you with my mind. Bounce!

YMELDA

Aight man, be cool, I’m gone.

MAGE #1

Yeah you just keep walkin’, holmes.

YMELDA leaves, and starts to follow the road away.

YMELDA

I guess that could have gone a lot worse. It’s good of them to warn me rather than just going nuts. Reasonable evil mages! Skyrim is truly a land of wonder. Oh hey, wolves.

WOLF

I’m a wolf! I’m a wolf! I’m a-GYURKKKH

UNREAL TOURNAMENT ANNOUNCER

HEAD SHOT! Double kill!

YMELDA

Somebody get our flag back! Gah, sorry, wrong button.

YMELDA continues in a vaguely Southerly direction until some STORMCLOAKS approach.

YMELDA

Hey! You want some pelts? Only the finest, freshest pelts with slight arrow damage. Anyone? Come on, I know you guys have the cash.

STORMCLOAK #1

Trouble?

YMELDA

No, I’m just selling stuff.

STORMCLOAK #2

What is it? Dragons?

YMELDA

No, no. Pelts. Wolf pelts. You buy. You buy good pelt yes. Is good. Give much money.

STORMCLOAK #1

Trouble?

YMELDA

... never mind. But if you keep on this road there’s this suspicious tower, see, and –

STORMCLOAK #3

The Stormcloaks are finding victory across the land.

YMELDA

I... yes. Look, I’ll just quietly tag along to help loot the tower, okay?

STORMCLOAK #1

Trouble?

YMELDA strolls alongside the STORMCLOAKS until they reach the SUSPICIOUS TOWER again.

MAGE #1

YO, this is private property, mofo. Don’t make me fry yoOH JESUS GOD NOT THE FACE

(dies)

STORMCLOAK #1

Hey, I can handle this alone. You guys wait here.

(runs off towards tower)

YMELDA

No no no, do not do that, that is a terrible idea.

STORMCLOAK #2

I fear the night, because the arrows and Imperials don’t.

STORMCLOAK #3

I used to be a lawless beast like werewolves, but then someone took my sweetroll.

CUT TO: TOWER

MAGE #2

A Stormcloak! Help!

STORMCLOAK #1

For Ulfric!

(kills MAGE #2)

MAGE #3

I’ve got the power!

(kills Stormcloak #1)

MAGE #4

What was that?

MAGE #3

Ask your parents.

MAGE #4

O SNAP!

CUT TO: ROAD

STORMCLOAK #2

Hey, I can handle this alone. You guys wait here.

(runs off towards tower)

YMELDA

Oh for the love of...

CUT TO: TOWER

STORMCLOAK #2

For Ulfric!

MAGE #4

Seriously Leland, we have got to find a better place to hole up. Every day they do this. Every bloody day. I’ve started basing my timetable around it, did you know that?

MAGE #3

ORRRRRRNLY LURV CAN SET YOU FREEEEEEE

(kills Stormcloak #2)

MAGE #5

I really wish he wouldn’t do that.

CUT TO: ROAD

STORMCLOAK #3

Hey, I can handle this alone. You guys wait here.

(runs off towards tower)

YMELDA

Oh fine, I’ll help this time. You don’t happen to have a brother named Valdr?

CUT TO: TOWER

MAGE #3

A lalalala long, a lalalala longlong li long long long!

(kills Stormcloak #3)

UNREAL TOURNAMENT ANNOUNCER

KILLING SPREE!

YMELDA

Oh well, I tried.

(runs away)

MAGE #4

Is that all of them?

MAGE #5

Nah, there was some Redguard with them, Hyaril is dealing with it though.

CUT TO: RIVER

YMELDA is running away, firing occasional arrows, while MAGE #3 fries half the forest with lightning, fire, etc.

YMELDA

Look, I think we may have got off on the wrong foot ...

MAGE #3

And she stands there, singing for money! La da dee la laow, la da dee la laow

(lightning)

YMELDA

ARGGH stop it stop it I loved that song

(arrow)

MAGE #3

Inforrrmer, y’knowunintelligiblepatoissomethingdidalaaame, a licky boom-boom down

(fire)

YMELDA

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod heal heal heal heal RIVER DIVE POWER ESCAPE!

MAGE #3

You know you don’t have to call your moves, right? Hey. Hey! Where’d you go? Awww man, now who’ll do the chorus for Coco Jambo?

YMELDA (O.C.)

A narrow escape indeed.

YMELDA hides in the forest, healing, while the MAGE runs off down a path

YMELDA

Police-a them-a they come and-a they blow down me door... goddamn it, I’ll have that in my head all night. Oh well, at least I’m not dead. Bloody Nords. If they’re all that stupid the Empire has nothing to worry about. I should be able to stealth this guy now that he’s alone.

YMELDA follows the path, which leads to a small settlement, where she finds STORMCLOAK #4 and a DEAD MAGE.

YMELDA

Oh, harsh. I guess there is a limit after all.

STORMCLOACK #4

If you know any true talk of dragons, the world’s gone mad in the knee.

UNREAL TOURNAMENT ANNOUNCER

Congratulations! You are the winner!

1 Comment

Filed under Skyrim, Ymelda Scrowles

One Response to Ymelda 24 – The Dork Tower

  1. Psymong

    to quote Sam; “you crack me up, lil buddy”

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