Gears of War: The Motion Picture

I so do not have time for writing new things right now, and won’t for the forseeable future. But I do have silly things I did years ago, and I have calculated that they are marginally better than nothing. So. A throwaway thing I might develop if I ever have any time in the world to myself ever.


From the secret files of Epic Games, Lonely Mushroom presents:

‘Gears of War: The Motion Picture’ ORIGINAL SCRIPT

GEARS OF WAR 1.0.1: CHAINS OF FREEDOM FIGHT SAGA

Ext. GREY BUILDING #1.

GORILLA-MEN posture, swear at, and question the masculinity of each other, passers by, inanimate objects, the sky, etc. Suddenly, MONSTERS!

MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-MEN

RAAAAAAARGH!

GORILLA-MEN shoot all the MONSTERS, then enter GREY BUILDING #2

GORILLA-MAN 1

Fuck you what the fuck. Locust!

GORILLA-MAN 2

GODDAMMIT.

MORE MONSTERS arrive.

MORE MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-MEN

FUCKING RAAAAAAAARGH!

GORILLA-MEN shoot all the MORE MONSTERS, proceed to GREY BUILDING #3

repeat until GORILLA-MEN reach GREY BUILDING #19

EXT. GREY BUILDING #19

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say go here. Men have ouchie. Radio say help!

GORILLA-MAN 1

GODDAMMIT FUCK.

GORILLA-MEN go to GREY BUILDING #33 via every other GREY BUILDING, killing attacking MONSTERS

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say men next room. Radio say help!

GORILLA-MEN enter GREY HALL #12. We see GORILLA-NEGRO. He is shooting EVEN MORE MONSTERS

EVEN MORE MONSTERS

Raaaargh!

GORILLA-NEGRO

DAYUM SHEEEIIT MUTHAFUCKA HEYULL YEYAH.

GORILLA-NEGRO shoots all of the EVEN MORE MONSTERS

GORILLA-MEN

SHIT GODDAMN LOCUST FUCK YOU, ETC.

Repeat GORILLA-MEN V. MONSTERS in GREY BUILDING x + 1 until...

INT. GREY BUILDING 273

GORILLA-MAN 2

Radio say MONSTE-

GORILLA-MAN 4

GODDAMMIT.

(Beat)

GORILLA-MAN 2

... Radio say MONSTERS in NEST. Say go now.

GORILLA-MEN go to NEST. MONSTERS (R) appear, and are shot, chainsawed, sexually assaulted, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 4

Need Bomb Ex Machina. No have. Sad.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Sad.

GORILLA-MAN 1

Sad.

GORILLA-NEGRO

AW HEYULL NO.

GORILLA-MAN 5

GODDAMMIT.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Thought you dead.

GORILLA-MAN 5

Oh. Um....

(exit)

GORILLA-MAN 1

My dad have Bomb Ex Machina. For some reason.

GORILLA-MAN 2

WE GO GORILLA-DAD MANSION.

GORILLA-MEN go to GREY GORILLA-DAD MANSION. Monsters, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 4

Go nest again now!

NEST, MONSTERS, etc, etc.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Use bomb now.

They USE the BOMB

GORILLA-MAN 4

GODDAMMIT.

GORILLA-NEGRO

SHEEEIT MUTHAFUCKA.

GORILLA-MAN 2

Kiss me!

GORILLA-MAN 1

All monster dead now.

TITLES: “Or is it?”

(Credits)

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