I Shot the Sheriff: A Diary of Robin Hood

This post was made possible by my backers on Patreon. Thank you! Backers currently get access to all funded posts one week early. This is a first for me, so please bear with me while I figure out how it’s all going to work. You can back me here.

The Adventures of Robin Hood is a curious little open world adventure game from Millennium. Following my retrospective of it, I thought a diary would be in order. So, away we go!

Day One

Day was going well, until my peasants stopped merrily dancing for my amusement and fled as the evil Sheriff of Nottingham chucked me out of my own castle.

I immediately took drastic action.


Decided to murder all the guards, revenge flick style. Started well, as I shot a guard at the castle gate and ran off, to a chorus of cheering witnesses. Nobody chased, so I followed the castle wall round to the back where I shot another guard.

Stone cold killah.

The rear entrance to the courtyard was nearby, so I went back in, hoping to rob the merchant. He wasn’t there, but there was a swan nearby, which I shot. Then came the trumpets of the heralds, which means the Sheriff is making a proclamation. I shot one, and the others didn’t seem to mind. More mead for them I suppose.

While I was reloading, the Sheriff came out and told the people I’m being outlawed for my crimes, so I attacked him with my sword. He won.

Day Two

Chucked out of castle.

Decided to give the serial killer approach another go, and waited outside the courtyard. Shot at a guard. Missed. The guard grabbed me and dragged me to the castle, where I was sentenced to death. The only people to show up for the hanging were a single peasant and a man pushing a dead stag around in a circle for no obvious reason. I decided to fight back, and attacked my captor. He won.

Day Three

Chucked out of castle. Changing my tack, I tried to rob a guard. He fought back. I won! Didn’t get the money, but at least I lived. The many witnesses to my daring act of heroism… just sort of wandered off without a word. Ingrates.

I ran from the town, past the southern village. With nobody giving chase, I went for a walk through the forest, where I found a bridge to an island guarded by an angry man with a stick.

He challenged me to a fight, so I shot him and had a bit of a lie down on my conquered island.

Robin kept trying to wander off instead of lying by the fire for some desperately needed rest. Eventually two pallbearers showed up to collect the man’s body.

I was going to follow them, but Robin took it upon himself to wander off again. Tit.

While he passed the southern village I heard music, and interrupted him to investigate. Inside the village, there was a minstrel playing Greensleeves next to a deer roasting on a fire. A villager told me I’d been outlawed. After that, Robin decided he needed a rest (finally) and walked off into the forest for a sit down. There a woman wandered by, collecting firewood, and berated me for having a rest after narrowly winning a fight for my life.

I gave her my money and she shut up.

After a bit more rest and some target practice, the heralds summoned us to the castle, where the sheriff banned hunting, under penalty of death. Then the guards chased and caught me. Oddly, they then tried to chase someone else, including the one who was still holding me. Then the pair of them got stuck trying to run into a wall. They’re not very bright, these Normans.

I sneakily waited for my captor to tire, then fought him. And I won! Again! Then while Robin was resting, on the spot, the other one caught him. Sentenced to hanging. Hanged.

Day Six

Recruited Little John. Little John killed a Norman who was arresting a villager. The villager thanked me for “rescuing him”, and promised to join my Merry Men. Went to pub, sat outside.

It snowed.

Got up. Captured by passing guard. Will Scarlet rushed to help me. I shot at the guard, missed. Hit Will. Captured again. Fought back. Lost.

Day Nine

Caught robbing the merchant. Hanged.

Day Ten

Accidentally shot a pallbearer. Hanged.

Day Eleven

Shot the swan again. Passing guard took exception. Hanged.

Day Twelve

Spent a while bullying and robbing the monks. A passing villager ran off, came back with a guard. Shot at the narc, missed. Captured. Fought the guard. He won.

Day Fifteen

Recruited Will Scarlet! Then he died trying to fight a guard who caught me. Broke loose inside the castle, shot the guard, attacked the sheriff. He won.

Day Seventeen

Tried to rescue a condemned peasant by fighting his captor. He won.

Day Twenty

Robbed Marian on her way to church. Spent money in pub. Robbed her again on her next visit. She had no money so Robin attacked her.

She won.

Day Twenty-Six

Spent all my money in the pub. Robbed the merchant. Pub. Robbed a peasant. Pub. Robbed the friar. Pub. Sheriff outlawed me for robbery. Guards arrested me. Sentenced to hanging. Hanged.

Day Thirty-One

Explored mysterious cave. Eaten by dragon.

Day Thirty-Two

Shot dragon. Eaten by dragon.

Day Thirty-Nine

Recruited Little John to help kill dragon. Little John eaten by dragon. Shot dragon. Eaten by dragon.

Day Fifty-One

Fuck the dragon.

Day Fifty-Something

Followed a woman to the sacred grove, where she promptly got her kit off and started splashing about and singing, while the druid “consulted the runes”. Wussed out of talking to her. Was contemplating shooting her when a guard appeared and grabbed me. Hanged. Probably deserved it.

Day oh god who even knows anymore

Tried to rob a pallbearer. He had no money. Angrily fired an arrow at him. Missed. Hit beggar. Hanged.

Day n+1

Visited the shrine, where the druid, Aelfstan, had a gift for me.

Aelfstan is metal. He suggested I go to the south and “find victory in defeat”. Gave him a tip and he said he’d forward it to someone who isn’t a badass hermit with his own shrine of not needing money or giving a damn.

Back in town, tried chatting to a guard, who Robin addressed as “Norman pig”. Great PR there, Rob. He told a few lousy jokes until I got bored. Proclamation time! The hunting of deer was banned, again. Man, that Sheriff sure loves his deer. The guards immediately captured someone for hunting deer. Retroactive laws! That’s the kind of barbarity I’d expect from modern day England.

Joined the crowd to heroically watch the hanging. It’s nice to not be the first victim of the new regime. The subject of discussion was of course me and what a villain I am, for being abandoned by my own people after the king stabbed me in the back. These people are utter arseholes.

Followed the pallbearers to the funeral, where I chatted up Marian, without much success. Wandered back to town, where there was a dragon running loose in the Summer heat. At this point, I got a phone call in real life, and inadvertantly left the game running. When I came back it was Autumn, and Robin had spent the whole time walking into a hillside.

Oh, Robin.

Went to stand on the drawbridge. Arrested for trespassing. Tried to break free, then sneakily shoot the guard. Missed. Hit Marian. Recaptured. Broke loose, shot a guard. Recaptured. Broke loose again, shot another guard, fled from town.

Winter arrived. Visited the island and had a fight with the bridge man, who is obviously Little John. Sent him to rob someone, which he did right under the nose of the guards at a hanging. Badass or stupid?

Spotted by a guard. Shot guard. John tried to give me the money he stole, but before I could reach him, a guard nabbed me. John watched him cart me off without a word. And then a cock crowed three times.

On the way out though, John busted me loose, killing my captor. While I was running, another guard got me. John tried to rescue me again, and got killed. Oops. There was another proclamation, at which I got captured again. Oops.

Escaped, shot several guards. The constant insults from the peasants finally made me snap, and I decided to shoot one who mocked me. I missed, but then the dragon appeared and ate him. Satisfactory.

With Marian dead and no more Merry Men available, decided to storm the castle. Went to town and shot several guards. Got captured and taken inside. Broke loose and shot final guard. For a laugh, tried to rob the Sheriff, who said nothing, but ran around in circles for a while until I shot him.

Castle reclaimed! Victory! Robin jumps for joy and blows a celebratory horn. Then he goes out to “present himself to his people”, who jeer at him, call him a useless git, then beat him to death.

Day after day after day after day after

Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends

Leave a Comment

Filed under Patreon funded

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *